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Someone has been stealing my newspaper.

During the week I read the New York Times and the Washington Post (both somewhat obsessively) online. However, I take a break from using the computer on Saturdays because of my Sabbath observance. I also think there's still something nostalgic about reading a hard copy of the newspaper. So, since I moved into the city 5 1/2 years ago, I've had the New York Times delivered to my imagined front stoop, i.e., downstairs in my apartment building by the mailboxes or in the hallway in front of my apartment door, on Saturdays and Sundays.

For the last six months, delivery to my front stoop has been spotty at best. Thanks to my almost-weekly phone calls complaining that my paper wasn't delivered, I'm now on a first name basis with the customer care managers at 1-800-NY-Times. The Times also has a sizeable computer file detailing my history of complaints, the notes sent to the delivery man with the exact location (down to the inches away from my apartment door) that the newspaper should be delivered each weekend, and a picture of me so everyone at the Times knows how good looking I am.

Due to a series of (un)fortunate events, however, my naive trust in the good behavior of all New Yorkers, especially the ones living in my apartment building, has sustained a severe hit. As I convalesced at home the day after my ear surgery, I had no activities on my normally busy social calendar except to receive visitors who were checking on my well being, to sleep, and to read the newspaper. Much to my chagrin, however, no paper was on my imagined front stoop when I woke up in the morning. After extensive conversations with my customer care friends at 1-800-NY-Times, I extracted a promise that the paper would never be mis-delivered again; a promise that was promptly broken when they failed to deliver a replacement paper that afternoon. (Fortunately that's not the main point of this story. It only gets better from here).

The next morning, my mother had the good fortune of running into the newspaper delivery man, Frank, at 6AM. Mom explained to Frank all the problems I'd been having and Frank promised he regularly delivered the paper at 6:30AM every Saturday and Sunday and that he couldn't understand what was going on. It took me 6 months of spotty delivery, a college degree and half a law school degree to suddenly realize that perhaps someone in my apartment building was stealing my paper.

Since I had a lot of time on my hands (and still have, as you can probably tell by this posting), I decided that this most serious discovery could not be taken sitting down. Catching a paper thief called for slick detective work, methodological analysis of all the evidence, a call to CSI if necessary and a healthy dose of good luck. Enter Ace Glasner, Pet Detective.

To confirm my hypothesis that someone had in fact been stealing my paper, the following Saturday morning I dragged myself out of bed at 6:30AM. The paper was indeed on my front stoop when I checked. After looking both ways in the hall to make sure nobody was looking, I grabbed the paper and within no more than 30 seconds (yes, I timed myself) had replaced it with the previous week's paper covered by two sections from that day's NY Times. The naked eye would be unable to tell that the paper in front of my apartment was not the real thing. Then, I went back to sleep.

Two hours later, having fully recovered from the heightened drama of my early morning activities, I woke up and went to check on the status of the decoy NY Times on my front stoop. Confirming my original hypothesis, the paper had vanished!! A thief was on the prowl in my apartment building!!

This discovery placed a severe dent in my trust of all my fellow tennants in the building. For the whole of the following week I couldn't help but suspect every neighbor I passed in the hall of being the guilty party. Did they have a motive? Opportunity? The guts to steal my paper???!

Further detective work was, of course, again called for, and Ace Glasner was ready to step up to the challenge. For the second consecutive Saturday morning I dragged myself out of bed at 6:30 and conducted the lightning fast switch that I had completed the previous week. This time, though, I attached a string to the bottom of the decoy paper and threaded it through the bottom of my apartment door. Then, instead of going back to sleep, like I had the previous week, I sat in a chair that I had placed right next to my door and held the string that was attached to the paper, waiting for the culprit to pounce. (While I was waiting I read the paper. Of course.) At the slightest sound from the other side of the door I was on my feet looking through the peephole and ready to catch the perpetrator red handed. I even had my camera nearby so I could collect hard evidence of the thief's actions when he or she tried to steal my paper.

Unfortunately, two hours later I had finished reading the paper. Only four people and two dogs had passed by my apartment door and no one even took a second glance at the decoy paper when they were walking by. This could mean that the perpetrator was scared off by the trick I played the previous week, and that she or he decided to retire from the paper stealing business. But it also means that the thief is still out there, lurking somewhere in my apartment building. This thought makes sleep difficult to come by for me these days. I'm only reassured knowing that there's always this upcoming weekend for Ace Glasner, Pet Detective to step up to the plate and help restore the trust I once had in the good behavior of my neighbors, co-tenants and fellow New Yorkers.

84 Comments:

At 5/26/2007 7:43 PM, Anonymous a said...

...you are ridiculous! This one cracked me up :)

 
At 5/27/2007 10:41 AM, Blogger Ariel Glasner said...

Ace Glasner fell asleep on the job this morning. My paper was stolen again today!!

 
At 5/30/2007 11:59 PM, Anonymous TAH said...

I am so disappointed your stakeout didn't work!

P.S. We've been passing your photo around the office.

 
At 6/01/2007 11:38 AM, Blogger Ariel Glasner said...

Really?

 
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