You're Wanted on the Telephone

I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl who's a Verizon customer. I'm a Sprint customer and, frankly, we're starting to have serious connection problems. When we whisper sweet nothings into our phone receivers, our "nothings" translate into eating up precious anytime minutes. So, I've ditched the romantic sound bites. Also, my nights start at 7 and hers start at 9, so I'm starting to live on Mountain Standard Time just so we can get our clocks (biological or otherwise) in sync.

Like Verizon, my girlfriend is a believer in "bigger is better" and in majority rules. She also has a fetish for catchy corporate slogans, and whenever I ask "can you hear me now?" she giggles and starts calling me her test man (it's sexy she says). I, on the other hand, am so familiar with dropped calls, my first child is going to be named after them. And I always root for the underdog, for those little people like Sprint just trying to get one chance to make it in life. Finally, I detest corporate slogans on the grounds that they're narcissistic.

The day is coming soon when I'm going to have to draw the phone line in the sand and tell my girlfriend that until we make a network connection, our spiritual connection is as bad as AT&T's cell phone coverage. My girlfriend may have my number, but these days that's just not enough.